It's been a long, arduous climb. And I think it will only get worse before it gets better; or it may just fail altogether.
I'm talking about one of my goals. Is it still worth it? Maybe. Maybe is all I can answer for now. On top of work commitments, taking care of myself, taking care of other people, trying to keep up with the demands of my career, this...thing has consumed me. More so in the last few months. All of a sudden I am questioning the logic of this path. All of a sudden my gumption has left me. All of a sudden I feel lost.
So I feel like I'm climbing some sort of incline that seems to have no summit, no end, no direction. But I just keep climbing. I got it into my head somehow that perhaps if I just keep moving I might eventually find what it is I think I want. If I keep busy, I will get what I set out to do. If I keep pushing, something will eventually happen.
So far, all that's happened is that I have become quite tired and disheartened, because it seems like no matter how much I try or how much work I put into this, I seem to be getting nowhere. I am filled with dread every time people ask me how things are because I get so distressed trying to explain the snags I am encountering.
Yes, maybe I am trying to cover up my embarrassment too. There's that. And it sucks so much.
I suppose I am also trying to control my frustration and anger when I learn other people got what I wanted and I didn't, when I know I worked just as hard.
So now I am wondering if my heart was really in this all along. Was I really doing it for the right reasons? Or was there something else dictating/brainwashing me into doing this? Did I really want this? If I ever did, how badly did I want this? What higher purpose would it serve?
Tomorrow I will wake up and resume the climb. I still don't know when or how this will end, but what I know is I have a choice. I have the choice to continue or to just stop. I know that if I make this decision, there will be other options suddenly open to me. I know I will be hurt and very exhausted and devastated but I also know I am intact.
I know this post seems full of bitterness but I think there's also a glimmer of hope. Where that will take me next, we can only speculate. For now, I will leave this for the morrow.
